Is This Marriage Surviving Retirement?

I've been reflecting, over the past month, on the first year of my retirement.  I've posted so far about the retirement issues that I found to be easier than I had expected:  money, identity, and boredom.  Some adjustments were a bit more tricky.

I met my best friend during my junior year in college and married him eight years later.  While we spent most of those 25 years living under the same roof, much of our waking hours were spent apart, in college at classes and studying, and then later, working at our careers.  Much of the time we did spend together was in front of the TV, decompressing after a long day at work.  

So the prospect of both of us being retired had me filled with the excitement of getting to spend the whole day, every day, with my very best friend.  I pictured us side by side at the breakfast table, each with our laptops, discussing the news of the day and the status of our Facebook friends.  Working out in the garden together, biking, hiking, and going out for lunch, it all seemed a very romantic picture.

Just as I had pictured, we sat at the breakfast table together with our laptops, each perusing the morning's news.  Within the first week, though, I came to the realization that the reason people aren't killing one another at work each and every day is because of offices with doors.

Everyone knows that co-workers get on your nerves.  You spend eight or more hours a day with the same people day in and day out, and it doesn't matter how much you like them, they are going to annoy you.  It's not that our workmates are inherently irritating, it's just that when you mix daily concentrated time with the same people, and a stressful work environment, irritation is simply a natural byproduct.

Part of the natural order of the world is that at the end of that long day at work, you come home and complain to your spouse about all your annoying co-workers.  That's how it's supposed to work.  That is the natural order of the world.

Turns out that when you spend all day with your best friend, he is going to annoy you too, and really for nothing more offensive than eating, breathing, and living.  

I'm perceptive enough to know that I cannot say, "Could you PLEASE stop eating, breathing, and living?" Instead, I relocated.  I rearranged some furniture and set up my own workspace overlooking the garden.  In a room with a door.  Away from the kitchen where all the eating, and much of the breathing and living take place.

It took me more than a few months to realize that we were not going to live up to the idyllic, romantic image I had conjured before my retirement.  When I finally did let go of that fantasy, we were able to settle into a livable routine.

The first few days of the "work week" have us out running around, each with our own friends.  Not together.  Doug has regular biking dates a few days a week; I have class and regular lunch dates scheduled.  Toward the end of the week, we're actually ready to spend the day together, catching up over a hike or bike ride, or lunch and a movie when the weather is bad.  Our weekends are filled with social engagements that we enjoy together with friends.

We each have our household areas of responsibility, I do the cleaning, Doug takes care of dinner.  I am a night owl, so I stay up an hour or two after he goes to bed, and he has the mornings to himself before I wake up.  He needs a little more social time with friends than I do, which leaves me more of the alone time I need.  He likes TV more than I do, so I immerse myself in a book when he's cheering on the San Jose Sharks or his favorite American Idol contestant.

Now I know I'm not the only one that has had to adjust to the reality of us both being home together, Doug had been retired for years before I crashed the party.  He'll have to write a guest post if he wants to share that trauma first-hand, but I think it's fair to say, his retirement has become a whole lot different with the introduction of a new face around his water cooler.

Related Posts:

Will this Marriage Survive Retirement?

Easing into Retirement

And With This I Would Marry Him All Over Again

Comments

[Nicole]

hahaha. I can relate, I don't have 25 years, but I do have a one bedroom and an introverted man that works from home.

That pretty much means that anytime I'm home so is he.

It makes for growth.

[Retired Syd]

@Nicole: I know you're a long way off from this but my advice: don't retire until you have at least 2 bedrooms!

[[email protected]]

great article that I relate to on sooo many levels! First we shared an office, then I moved into an adjoining small room with an open wall, then I had a wall built with a door, aaahhh, much better for both of us:~)!

[Retired Syd]

@Camille: I get it.

[ElizabethG]

Syd, my unoccupied office desk and chair reside in the large office (converted bedroom) alongside hubby's desk and computer. I work on my laptop at the kitchen table. We tried sharing an office and that lasted about 3 days.

[Retired Syd]

@Elizabeth: Glad to hear I'm not the only one . . .

[sam]

ok

[Catherine]

I am in the very early days of my husbands retirement and already I miss my time in the morning when he would go off to work and I could sit and have a cup of tea and read the newspaper uninterupted and not feeling like I have to share the crossword puzzle. I feel so selfish but 30 years of habits are going to be hard to break.

[co divorce lawyer]

It is said that marriages are made in heaven and marriage vows are sacred in nature. Whatever may be the truth, marriage is one of the oldest human institutions surviving through ages and still doing fine. In fact it is one of those primary relationships which give rise to a family which in turn leads to the higher social structures and the society.

[WorkingBoomer]

Thank You for sharing your story!

[Retired American]

Great article! As women, I think many, if not most, of us have a "romantic dream" of how retirement will be. Then the reality hits. In my case, I was the one who retired first and had my routine down. You would think after 37 years of marriage we would know each others' needs pretty well. It has taken some time and adjustments. But then how boring life would be if it always went as we dreamed it.

[Ann Hearn]

You write great articles. I am divorced so unless I marry before retirement, which is not likely, I will not have to worry about this one. Last week, I was in the waiting room of my doctor's office when a well groomed outgoing lady approched the receptionist desk. The receptionist asked, "How are you?" The ladies was response was, " I am adjusting. My hunsband went into retirement and I am not use to him being under my feet." Yes, I guess this is a great adjustment. Keep up the great writings.

[Deb]

great post syd. I'm thinking about turning the spare bedroom upstairs into an office for me. Hubby and I are now sharing. It is not going as well as we hoped.

[Retired Syd]

Deb: I think a space of your own is the key. I spend less time there now, but for the first several months, I really needed it!

[Cyclesafe]

In Japan, retired husbands are referred to as "furui reizoku" or "old refrigerators" - no longer operable, take up lots of space, and not easily disposed of.

My wife of 35 years and I cope with this "too much of a good thing" by each having separate "work" rooms and each respecting each other's "me" time. We still share a bedroom, but I'm usually there from 2100 to 0500 and she's usually there from 0000 to 0800. And, already being well-caffeinated, I don't even say good morning to her until after she starts eating breakfast.

She's off trapsing around by herself at least three days a week - hubby rarely welcome. She cooks masterfully, I clean haphazardly.

I go off alone mountain climbing or biking for months at a time every year, but wifey often meets me for a multi-week vacation at the beginning or end of my solo sorjourn. She's always glad to see me go and I like to think that she's even more happy to see me come back.

Retirement can certainly strain a relationship, but as always, the willingness and ability to adapt is key.

[MrsRoofus]

In our early 50's my husband and I have been thrust into spending our days at home together with little or no warning. Being laid off within 6 months of each other coupled with dealing with financial uncertainty, spending hundreds on monthly health insurance premiums, job hunting, unemployment, and readjusting a full-time work schedule to spending 24/7 together is HUGE!

BUT however difficult our days are now can also be seen as a rare gift experienced by few. Figuring out the dynamics in our marriage [while we still have our faculties!!] gives me hope for a happy marriage as we age. Too many people give more energy making each other miserable than finding what it takes to be happy.