You know how at the end of a vacation, especially one you are really enjoying, you start to dread going home? I used to count the days I still had left and then when it was down to one or two, I would start to get depressed about the vacation being almost over. I would try to enjoy what I had left, but there was always that growing feeling in the pit of my stomach, the dread of returning to reality.
I always thought this was because I had to go back to work.
So then why did the same thing hapen to me this time, at the end of my month in Manhattan? And why am I still having trouble getting out of this post-vacation funk nearly two weeks after being home? I don't work anymore, so why would I mind being back to the daily grind when the daily grind doesn't include any hard labor?
You'll often see advice to retirees to get into a daily routine, to add some sort of structure to your life. The thing I hate about people giving me advice is that it's usually wrong, and here's a perfect example.
I hate routine. I hate structure. That's probably the reason I was so anxious to retire. I was sick of the routine: wake up early, get ready for work, go to work, go to the gym, go home and eat dinner, watch TV, go to bed, and then wake up and do it all over again. Add to that a job I held for 18 years and that's being stuck not just in a routine, but a boring one.
I couldn't wait to retire so I could decide each morning what I felt in the mood to do that day, and then do it. Whatever it was, wherever it took me, each week would look different than the week before it.
Except it doesn't.
Monday is lunch with one friend, Tuesday is walking with another, Wednesday is writing class, Thursday is hiking with Doug, and then yoga, homework, housework, yard work, and social engagements are squeezed in over the remaining hours.
It's not that I don't enjoy these activities, these are exactly the things I like to do. It's the structure of having an actual schedule that has me feeling like a zombie again. I wind up going through my week on autopilot, much like I did when I was working. Without being totally engaged in it.
On vacation, decisions like what to see or where to eat, or the constant attention it takes to figure out how to get from point A to point B, where to transfer, even which direction you're facing upon leaving the subway station, keep you totally engaged in the moment. It's impossible to just drift through your day in a trance in New York City--if you stop paying attention even for five minutes, you'll find yourself on an express train to Harlem when you meant to get off at 86th Street.
All those years I spent fantasizing about retirement, I always thought I was attracted to the promise of an easier existence. I see now that what I really wanted was a more complex one. I wanted to escape the sameness of each day, the monotony of the structured workweek.
So for me, the retirement challenge isn't to find a structure to my life without a job, it's to find ways to break out of the routine that has replaced it, so that I can be more engaged, less zombie-like. Because what's the point of having the life you always wanted if you're not even paying attention?
Syd - I just love your column! I love how you share your thoughts and emotions. As someone who is considering retiring early next year, it really helps me consider all aspects.
Thanks again!
Posted by: Michele | September 25, 2009 at 02:53 AM
Well that's bloody well interesting insight! Thanks. I won't have thought about that particular issue until you mention it.
Posted by: Canadian Dream | September 25, 2009 at 05:41 AM
Yes, a really interesting way to look at it.
As a counterpoint, I find that having a routine is the only way I manage to carve some time out of my schedule to be creative. If I don't constrict my options with some sort of routine, I find that "things that need to get done" grow to fill the time available. I wrote a bit about it here:
http://www.wisebread.com/being-routinely-creative
Posted by: Philip Brewer | September 25, 2009 at 06:37 AM
@Michelle and Tim: Well thank YOU!
@Phillip: You know, you do have a point. Even WITH my schedule, I don't get a lot of writing done (because I don't schedule that particular activity). And maybe writing more WILL get me to pay more attention . . . I'll try it.
Hey, and thanks for the Tweet!
Posted by: Retired Syd | September 25, 2009 at 10:20 AM
Syd,
If you still dread coming back home after a vacation, this is what I surmise: you're not that happy with your home life. Why can't your 'vacation nation' be your reality instead of your fantasy?
I used to feel the same as you-I would dread coming back home after spending a few weeks in St. Croix or Martinique. I asked myself why? And the answer that worked for me was that I wanted my real life to be a carribbean style life. In retirement, I was able to finally live near or at the beach year long, if I so choose. Now, when I 'vacation' it's just the opposite: I can't wait to get back home because I have made my home what I had always wanted.
Just a thought.
I could tell, by the way you spoke about NYC that probably secretly, you were wishing you lived there all the time. Just an insight. You seem to like the metropolis-like atmosphere: always something new and exciting to do. I completely understand because I grew up in NYC and could never move far away from the throes of Manhattan. It gets inside your blood.
If you are still not happy coming home after a long vacation, subliminally, you are not happy with your home life. In retirement, we get to make our home lives the dreams we have always wanted it to be. I would seriously give it some thought, write down what would be your ideal, ideal home base. And of course, you can still travel (like I'd one day want to live in a small, Italian fishing village-and have next August in mind BUT I know I would miss NYC and my beach house, soooooo I'd never really leave permanently. BUT, if I wanted to, I could).
As for your planned daily routine, personally, I'd scream if I did that to myself. I wake up each day with no set plan in mind. I do what I feel like doing. I do not make any appointments whatsoever. But that's what has been working for me in retirement: no set plans. I do whatever the hell I feel like: go for a hike, catch a train to NYC to cruise a museum, remain local for a hobby event, or just sit perfectly still and listen to the wind....whatever! I blog when I feel like, I work when I feel like, I relax when I feel like.....I could never have a planned schedule.
Life is available now to make it whatever you damn well want it to be. You should never spend one second feeling any dread or remorse.
OK. Enough of my 2 cents.
Posted by: morrison | September 26, 2009 at 11:03 AM
@Morrison: It's no secret. I'm a city-girl. Love cities. Appreciate the country and the calm of suburbia, but a city-girl at heart. Some people are not, and one of those people is my husband. He compromised by living in San Francisco with me for nearly 2 decades, so he deserves some time living in the environment he loves, suburbia.
While I would love to live in a big city again (and maybe will sometime in the future), I'll have to make due with extended trips to some of the world's greatest cities (and suffer the let down that happens at the end). Because I get far more joy being married to a wonderful partner than I get from any city, no matter how exciting it is. And for that I am willing to compromise.
Posted by: Retired Syd | September 26, 2009 at 11:34 AM
So I guess that makes me your Big Apple (and Big Daddy too). Love ya.
Posted by: Retiredhubby | September 26, 2009 at 06:19 PM
hehehe! "So I guess that makes me your Big Apple (and Big Daddy too). Love ya." Too cute!
Posted by: Imani | September 27, 2009 at 07:41 AM
Howdie Syd - Just wondering, does vacation get less exciting when you are retired? I'm kind of fearful about that.
Also, when you get a chance, I'd love to hear your thoughts over at Wise Bread regarding my guest post, "Knowing When To Walk Away: Financial Planning For An Unknown Future". As someone who is retired and living the dream, I'd love to get your perspective!
Thanks
Posted by: Financial Samurai | September 27, 2009 at 09:42 AM
@Financial Samurai: Have no fear--vacation is still just as wonderful as when you're working. Better because you can go for longer stretches of time. In fact, when I was working, it always took me a couple of days to get relaxed on vacation--a lot of work stuff was still in my head. Now I'm relaxed from the moment I get there.
I'll go check out your post right now!
Posted by: Retired Syd | September 27, 2009 at 12:03 PM
My two cents? Your post has one important theme: feeling engaged in the moment. You're absolutely right that when faced with something new, we are forced to live in the moment and be present in our lives. But that engagement does not REQUIRE something new, that's just an easy way to get to that feeling. Have you ever tried mindfulness or meditation exercises? Might be time to read Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now, for instance. It's completely possible to carry that sense of wonder and engagement in yourself, in every moment, so that you don't need the extra stimulation of novelty to get the rush you describe.
Good luck! Love your blog,
Rosie
Posted by: Rosie | September 27, 2009 at 10:11 PM
@Rosie: Thank you!!!! You get it!
Posted by: Retired Syd | September 27, 2009 at 10:24 PM
Interesting, I feel at my best when I am discovering new places and things to do as well. I do not love the routine either whether it is work or not.
I think you have hit on something that could be worth exploring for all of us!
Posted by: Kelly @ Try New Things | September 06, 2013 at 11:22 AM
I am just at that stage you describe - tired of the boring repetitiveness of regular employment and on the brink of retirement.
We humans seem to be habituated creatures who establish a routine and mindlessly follow it. Your post is a timely warning to me not to get too entrenched in my "retirement routine."
Posted by: Robert | September 12, 2013 at 05:05 AM
Robert: I guess we just need to know when, in the words of Cher in "Moonstruck", to "SNAP OUT OF IT!"
Posted by: Retired Syd | September 12, 2013 at 08:13 AM
I realize this blog post is almost five years old, but it makes an excellent point and does so very well. I have been retired for two years now, and I find myself "not even paying attention", i.e. in the "Zombie Retirement" you so aptly described.
My situation, while pretty good compared to most, does not permit me to take frequent vacations (where like you, I also find respite from the "routine").
I am even considering (banish the thought) of re-entering the workforce. If I do that though, I know I will feel like I have "failed" at retirement.
I didn't foresee this when I retired, that's for sure.
Thanks for a great blog.
Posted by: Steel | July 30, 2014 at 04:52 PM
Steel: Thanks for that great comment. Maybe instead of re-entering the work force for real you could find some kind of consulting gig or something part time. I found that to be really fun for a couple years during retirement. Gives you that kick to relish retirement more the second time around. Not failure at all!
Posted by: Retired Syd | July 30, 2014 at 06:12 PM
I totally agree! I hate the routine as well. Don't even like to eat the same thing for breakfast 2 days in a row! One thing I have done is look for meaningful activities that are "occasional". Some ideas - Volunteer doing taxes (Feb - Apr. 15- then I'm FREE AGAIN), work the voting polls (2x a year & done). Volunteer to work a "festival" -(once a year) etc.
Posted by: Nan | August 15, 2014 at 09:06 AM