I think the reason I miss my husband so much is because I see him so much now. Being retired means that we are both home all day together most days. Being home all day together most days gives us the impression that we are actually spending time together. Because we have the impression that we are actually spending time together, we tend not to plan anything special, just the two of us. The result is that most of our time together is spent apart in the same house, doing nothing special.
When I was working, the time that Doug and I spent together after a long day at work could hardly be described as quality time. I was tired and usually cranky, and much of our evening was spent eating dinner in front of the TV. But since we were very aware that we didn't get to see much of each other during the week, we often planned outings, dinner, a movie, a concert, just the two of us.
When I envisioned our retirement, I figured that since neither one of us was going off to work each day, the quality and the quantity of time that we spent together would increase. Well certainly the quantity has.
The thing is, now that we're home together most days, the special plans that we do make usually include other people. Our friends are off at work all day, so on the evenings and weekends, we make a concerted effort to include them in our plans, you know, since we've already spent all that time alone together. Except that we haven't.
We may be physically in the same place during all those hours we formerly used to be apart at our respective offices, but we're still attending to business, the business of running our lives: errands, housekeeping, gardening, and other mundane tasks. We may think we've seen each other all day, but really it is mostly in passing. And in the evening, we fall into that familiar pattern of eating dinner in front of the TV.
So what's really changed? I guess I'm in a better mood while we're eating dinner in front of the TV, but I wouldn't go so far as to say that makes TV watching actual quality time.
So here's the thing about quality time together in retirement. You have to make it happen.
When we were vacationing in New York this year, I wrote about how I love to get Doug out of town because when our days aren't filled with the mundane tasks of running our lives, we have a lot of fun together. That's probably why I wound up getting us the hell out of Dodge almost three months this year.
I guess the real trick though, is to make plans to have fun together, just the two of us, the other nine months of the year, even when we're not traveling.
Could wind up saving us a bunch of money on travel . . .
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DH and I have a few rules; absolutely no TV till 4PM, and that's only to watch the Dow Jones report. Positively, absolutely no TV, especially the news, during dinner hours. It amazes me how anyone can ingest food and listen/watch the news at the same time. I'd gag and choke (have you been listening to the news lately?)
These rules have been in effect even when our children lived at home.
Know what happens (despite being home together all day-yes, in different parts of the property sometimes) during meal times when the TV is off? We actually talk to each other. I have now started DVR'ing the news and watching it later (and later-if at all).
We're in the middle of a reno, home redecorating, car rebuild/repair.....so there's a lot of things going on at home right now. Personally, I find it very nice just knowing DH is nearby. We've been going out for coffee together, or a lunch, a few freebies (like the Martha Stewart Show) and things like that. Going for walks/hikes together has been #1 on our to-do list.
You're right. You have to make time for each other despite being home all day long together.
Posted by: morrison | November 18, 2009 at 06:24 PM
Wow, actual conversation over dinner, I can hardly even imagine that!
Posted by: Retired Syd | November 18, 2009 at 07:25 PM
I thought a luke warm burrito and a rerun episode of Friends was quality time. I guess I better think again.
Posted by: retiredhubby | November 19, 2009 at 09:20 AM
Hola
Are you asking for advice? I don't think so..but anyway.
I recommend that you try this for a 2 week commitment.
Jazz and candles every night for dinner. How easy is that? At first you will keep wanting to turn on the TV...but you'll think of something to talk about...I promise. TV dinner is just a habit that you started as a child.
Also..Larry and I really look forward to puzzle time every afternoon. That includes an espresso and the Chronicle puzzles. It's fun.
Try that medicine and call me in 2 weeks.
Your Wicked Stepmother
Posted by: Sara | November 19, 2009 at 10:24 AM
Good advice Wicked Stepmother, but I don't know about the puzzle. . .
Posted by: Retired Syd | November 19, 2009 at 10:31 AM
The transition to retirement is particularly stressful, especially when one spouse retires before the other. During this time, couples fight much more and are significantly less satisfied with their marriages. Once both spouses are settled into retirement from their careers, however, marital satisfaction rebounds and couples report the highest level of martial satisfaction with the least conflict, compared with their peers.
Posted by: r4i kort | December 04, 2009 at 09:03 PM
A date day is a wonderful, inexpensive way to make sure you connect with quality time. Absolutely no errands are done during that time and it's only the two of you for whatever time you agree to set apart.
Posted by: Nora Hall | March 26, 2012 at 02:06 PM