Making Resolutions that Stick

Happy New Year!

I’m at a bustling coffee shop today.  It looks like one of my New Year’s resolutions is going to run me about 10 bucks a week.  That is if I find a different coffee shop with free parking.  This one has great coffee and great energy, but it costs another dollar an hour to park here, so maybe this one is not going to work.  It probably shouldn't have to cost so much to accomplish my new year’s resolution.

I have two resolutions actually.  Let me start with the other one first.  It’s worth noting, by the way, that despite the fact that most people don’t keep their resolutions, there is research showing that adopting a resolution at the beginning of the year increases the odds of achieving it.   And according to this NY Times article, it’s not enough to have a well-intentioned action plan, you need to “begin with the end in mind."  And publicly declaring your goal apparently works better than keeping it private.

Not giving a shit

So, I’m going to start with the other resolution first, the one that doesn’t cost anything.  In many ways it’s the harder of the two because I haven’t actually figured out the well-intentioned action plan to make this one happen.  My uncle inspired this resolution.

I was lamenting to him on New Years Day about how I tried to play my new boogie-woogie song on the piano for my Christmas-dinner guests.  I’ve been working on this song for about a month.  I have so much fun playing it when no one is at my house.  And I play it really well, if I do say so myself.

But in front of people, my hands shake.  My tempo speeds up.  I trip all over the keys.  I can’t do it!  I love playing the piano for hours on end by myself.  I don’t even feel guilty for not doing something more productive.  Then I play in front of people and it sucks.  And I don’t love it.  And I feel like people are thinking, “Really, you’ve been taking lessons for two years now?”  (And in case you didn’t get that tone in writing, it doesn’t read, “Really, you’ve only been taking lessons for two years now?”)

So I asked my uncle, how did you play hymns all those years for church?  How did you play those old standards all those years for your Rotary Club meetings?  I just don’t see how I’ll ever be able to feel relaxed enough to play even one song in front of people!

He said the key is that you have to not give a shit what people think.  And by the way, most of them can’t do what you are doing.  So just don’t give a shit.  You play because you love to play piano, not because you give a shit what people think.

So there is a resolution that I would like to incorporate into every crevice of my life, not just the part of my life that involves playing a song on the piano in the presence of other human beings. 

I'm not really sure how to accomplish this one though.  Any advice would be welcome.

Writing a book

Ever since I retired nearly seven years ago, I’ve wanted to write a book, someday.  And even some years I have thought, “I’m going to write a book this year.”  But then I don’t.

So this year, I’m not necessarily going to write a whole book.  And I’m certainly not going to worry about actually publishing a book.  For now, the goal is to work on a book regularly.

That’s where the coffee shop comes in.  I am going to go to the coffee shop two or three times a week to work on the book.  Maybe working at that rate means I’ll have a book in three years, maybe it means six months.  Who knows?  But I’m committing to the process, and even more importantly to enjoying the process, like I enjoy playing the piano.  And I really enjoy writing at the coffee shop.

You may be thinking that I should be able to sit down and write for a few hours a few days a week at home—for free.  But you’d be wrong.  And you know what they say about insanity, trying the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

At home is my piano, which we’ve already established tempts me to sit down and play for hours at a time.  At home is my actual home, which seems like it always needs to be cleaned, or at least tidied.  At home is my yard with weeds and overgrowth.  And Wi-Fi--that’s at home too.

Here at the coffee shop it’s just me and my computer.  And I already paid the parking meter, so I might as well stay until it expires.  Hmmm, that might be a good reason to pay for parking too.

Ok, so here’s how I work on both resolutions at the same time--blogging about it.

I want to write a book about retirement—the kind of book Carrie Bradshaw would write if she wrote about retirement instead of about sex.  Or as one journalist who once interviewed me for an article put it:  a beach-read about retirement.

My very favorite writing teacher advised a classroom of us aspiring writers to go ahead and write our books but don't tell anyone about it.  Everyone will have an opinion that they will want to share with you.  People will ask you all the time, “How are you doing on your book?”  There will be too much pressure.  I think what she was really saying is that you’ll care too much what people think.

But the New York Times says that publicly declaring your goal is supposed to work better than keeping it private.  So I'm telling people.  And that gives me some good practice not worrying about what people think! 

May all your New Year’s wishes come true!

Related Posts

            A New Approach to New Year’s Resolutions

            Retirement Resolutions

            Using Retirement to Get Really Good at Something

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Comments

[Cindi]

When I was 5 years old, I accidentally drank DDT poison that my stupid grandmother stored in empty coca cola bottles. I was the first case the local hospital ever saw of a child ingesting DDT. I was paralyzed on my left side and hospitalized for a very long time. I can still remember sitting in the crib in the hospital with doctors all around me.
No one knew what the outcome would be, but my mother knew. I was slow to learn things. It took me a long time to comprehend things. I have to repeat things over and over to myself before I can understand. Because of this, I have suffered greatly at the comments and opinions of others. Still to this day I am mocked.
And you know what Syd, I couldn't give a rats' ass what anybody says, thinks, does or whatever about me. Because I believe in myself. I believe I am smart. And I believe I am a success. It didn't matter that I got a zero on my chemistry test and all the students laughed at me. Because I took the class over again and got a 98, A+.
That's my secret. I know I have to do it over and over again till I get it right.
If I were in your shoes, I would tape my wonderfulness as I play the piano, alone in my house and play it back to my friends. Here! I would say! Listen to how great I can play the piano with only 2 years of training.
Believe in yourself and don't give a flying fuck what anyone has to say about you. For in the long run, their words are meaningless.
As for Carrie Bradshaw, my idol, I already am inspired to write my blog as if I were she. And Carrie would have come to the same conclusion that I have about retirement: it's nothing more than a thing. It's nothing more than an extension of a life I am already living. I'm still drinking cosmos, I'm still meeting the girls, I'm still interested in sex and I'm still interested in living my life with my own Mr. Big.
"In retirement, is honesty really the best policy?"
I believe Carrie couldn't have asked that question any better.

[Barb]

Ohh, I love this one. Much better than bollux. In all seriousness, it takes awhile to get used to the I don't give a whatever attitude. And of course I do care what some people think. I also think that somewhere along with that comes the "life isn't perfect" thing. I mean, I live with a professional artist and I'm taking a drawing class-just because it sounds like fun and realising that maybe my pictures will never look like anything but fifty grade drawings and I don't even care!

Saying goodbye to a canine again tomorrow. Not my funnest day.

[Juhli]

I love your resolutions and your Uncle sounds like he truly has found one of the secrets to a happy life. I hope you share tidbits of your book with all of us. My only resolution is to get moving more physically. The rest are simply some goals that I am treating as work projects.

[Janet]

Your resolutions are great. Writing in a coffee sounds very inspiring. Inspiration is so important. I might try writing my short story in a coffee shop. Great idea! Good Luck!

[Retired Syd]

Barb: I'm so sorry to read about your furry companion. That's the worst. Virtual hugs to you today . . . that's such a sad time.

[Jacq]

http://99u.com/videos/20052/brene-brown-stop-focusing-on-your-critics

http://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2011/04/working-best-at-coffee-shops/237372/

[Nita]

Yes! Yes, yes, yes. Loved this. I retired last year. What a journey. I have never felt so unsettled. I'm learning that these feelings are part of the process and learning to have patience with myself. But what I wanted to say was that my goal last year was to write a very rough first draft of a novel. I'm still working on it, but thanks to NanOWriMo last November, I am now past 50,000 words. You can do it!!! And if you'd like a writing buddy, I could use one, too. And love your coffee shop idea. Maybe I should try that. I am 20 minutes drive away from one though. Bummer.

[Elizabeth]

I would DEFINITELY read your book--it sounds fabulous!

[Elizabeth]

Also, if you ever want to run pages or the completed manuscript by someone, I'm a pretty good critique partner. :)

[Retired Syd]

Nita: That might be a good thing. If you commit to driving 20 minutes just to get there, you're all in don't you think?

[Pauline]

For piano performance butterflies, I bet you can find a teacher whose students appear in periodic recitals. Seriously. Have the teacher schedule you in with the "other kids" and perform in recitals. Your audience of strangers, mostly the "other kids" moms, won't matter, so you'll get past the jitters and you'll actually have a ton of fun.

Like you, I've thought about writing a book but haven't gotten past a rough outline. Your chosen coffee shop sounds perfect. So why not ride the bus or subway to get there, using your ride time for reflection on your ideas and for people watching?

[Laura]

By the way, you already have a whole book worth in the blog, and I enjoy reading it all the time! If I don't get enough from your post, I go back and read a few old ones for fun! I know there are a few bestsellers out there that were once just blogs! I'd buy it for sure!

[Retired Syd]

Pauline: Good news, I found a free lot a few blocks away.

Laura: Thank you for that encouragement! But I really want it to be fresh material. Something that wouldn't bore you if you have been a long-time reader of my blog.

[Janis]

Both of your resolutions are fabulous! Although still difficult, I've found that not giving a shit gets easier as I grow older. I'm not musical at all so just hearing you play a couple of notes that go well with one another would impress the heck out of me!

Good luck with your book! You are absolutely correct about needing to get out of the house with all its distractions. I'm looking forward to the finished product (no pressure, though!).

[Diane C]

Hey Syd, Happy New Year! I'm so happy to see a new post!
I know you live in the beautiful Bay Area. How about writing at your local library? I'm over in Walnut Creek, and our beautiful library has free wi-fi, Peet's coffee, comfy chairs and lots of places to settle in. I'm sure that there's a great one in your neck of the woods. It could be worth checking out!

[Retired Syd]

Diane: Actually, the library is way to quiet. I need the buzz of all the action at the coffee shop. Seems counter-intuitive, doesn't it? And I definitely can't go somewhere with Wi-Fi, I have no willpower there either!

Your library has Peet's coffee? Wow.

[Lynn Jeffers]

Oh sister, I feel your "piano pain!" I, too, am a piano student with the WORST PERFORMANCE ANXIETY EVER!!! By myself, I can give myself "bench butt." In front of anyone else, I break out in a sweat and screw up! Really pisses me off, because I'm pretty good alone! I even tried to force myself to overcome the anxiety by playing at a wedding - it was a disaster! When I recall my piano recitals at the age of 12, I can still feel that nausea and nervousness I felt waaaayyyy back then! I think I'm this way because I'm such a perfectionist. I want the piece to be perfect, and that makes matters worse. I have never been able to mess up and then just go on. I will be following you to see how the "I don't give a shit" resolution works out with respect to your playing - because if it works, I want to do it too!

[Winnie Boo]

Everyone has their new years's resolution, but the biggest challenge is if we could be able to attain out goal.And at the end of the year, we can say that we make a worthful deeds the whole year.

[Rin Porter]

Syd, I think your idea of writing the book in a coffee shop a few days a week is GREAT! That way you set aside both a place and a time that will be devoted to the book. As a few other commenters have, I also offer you my (free) services as a proofreader or reviewer as you get chapters under your belt. I still struggle with worrying about what a few of my relatives will think, but I am making progress toward not giving a shit! You go, girl! Thanks for this post.

[Jackie]

Syd,You have the talent to understand life and put that understanding into words, what a gift you have! It sounds like going to that local coffee shop gives you a sense of purpose while enjoying life at the same time. Regarding your blog. I agree with you that one has to focus on the important things. I completed Breast Cancer Treatment last month and have returned to work full time. Fortunately, my prognosis is excellent, but when one experiences cancer, it is a rude awakening to the fact that our time in this world is limited. I consider every day a gift. The biggest question I have is to continue to be employed or retire. Financially, we have been advised that I could retire now. However, remaining in my current employment situation gives me a strong sense of PURPOSE and FINANCIAL FREEDOM. I work in the health care field and am nervous about losing BOTH PURPOSE AND FREEDOM. Syd, Your book will be full of the wisdom learned through your own experiences as well experiences of others. Good luck and enjoy the process. I will certainly look forward to the time when it is in print.